3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
