I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
If that was your dad, he is hot
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
