The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
