I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
