Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
