my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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