Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
