Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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