I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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