Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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