when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my being single is dangerous.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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