yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
