so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
