I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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