Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
