just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
