i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
