She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I can text with my tongue
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
