I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
