You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
