whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
