My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
