I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We got so high we made milksteak
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
