if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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