My hand turned me down
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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