I wish I could teleport
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
