Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This toilet bowl is my home.
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