i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
