Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
