Soap is not a condiment
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
time to smoke my breakfast
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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