never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My butt remains clenched, sir.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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