I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
