Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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