Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
