All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
