Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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