My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just want nice things and good sex
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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