I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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