At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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