a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
