Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
