why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
