Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
