I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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