the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
