i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
