Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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