Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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