they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
