toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
