I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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